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STANDARDS

“Can I take your order please?”

“Umm…yeh. Can I have one that’s 6’2”, dark hair, blue eyes…no wait! Make that brown eyes. Uh…let’s see…athletic…no, a musician. Wait, can I have both? With a side of sweetness…lots of honesty and love too. Hold the attitude.”

We are all looking for certain qualities and characteristics in a guy. Some of these are things that we would prefer (like his hair colour or if he plays basketball), but they are not things that are ultimately important. On the other hand, there are certain things that should make or break the deal, like how he treats you, or how his values line up with yours.

Why should we set standards before we get into a relationship? First of all, it helps us to figure out what we’re looking for, so that we know when we find it! Secondly, it helps us to better understand our own values and priorities. Finally, it helps us to avoid compromising those values when a relationship opportunity presents itself. It is a proactive measure.

When deciding on what standards you should set for a relationship, there are at least four categories that you should consider:

1. Character
This could be defined as “who he is when nobody is looking.” It includes traits such as integrity, honesty, loyalty, reliability, etc. It is more than just his reputation, it is the quality of who he is as a person as a whole.

2. Communication
This refers to the ability to communicate effectively with each other: being able to listen, empathize, not make snap judgements, and try to understand the other person’s perspective. See below for more talk on communication.

3. Core values
The person you date should have similar core values as you. You can be as different as night and day in other areas such as interests, looks, backgrounds, etc. (didn’t someone once say that “opposites attract”?). But in the matter of ethics, morals, and life priorities (i.e. the value you place on any given aspect of life), it is advantageous to chose someone who thinks along the same lines as you.

4. Chemistry
It is important to find someone who you have chemistry with. Someone you are attracted to (physically and personality), and who you are compatible with!

Obviously, all these areas are important (they all made the top four!) but it is necessary to realize that some areas deserve more emphasis than others. A person’s character is far more important than if he has a good haircut. Therefore, a problem arises when you switch the importance of “character” with “chemistry.” Sometimes it is very easy to get into a relationship solely due to chemistry and attraction. Often in these cases, it soon becomes apparent that all the other areas (character, communication, and core values) are missing, and were never considered in the first place!

With these areas to consider, one option is to sit down and write a list of what is important to you. Talk to your friends about it – they may be able to help you think of things you hadn’t thought of before! As you get older, you may find that some things on your list don’t matter as much anymore, but some things will always be important. There are certain things you should be willing to compromise on (i.e. eye colour, job), but some things should never be compromised on. Do not compromise who you are, or your priorities and values, for someone else.

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